Say NO to Kimkins Web Ring

Friday, February 15, 2008

As the Kimmer Turns

Addiction. It's a scary word. It implies drama, passion, human frailty, remorse and the need for healing.

But, addictions are not created equally. For example, I will happily tell you I'm addicted to the show 24. There's nothing like an hour or two of Jack Bauer kicking terrorist ass to make me feel good!

C'mon, admit it. You've been there! Dallas, Melrose Place, ER....ring any bells?

My latest addiction is the soap opera called "As the Kimmer Turns." It's filled with more drama and intrigue, more J.R.'s, Allisons, Janes, and Michael's...(or Amy's *wink* ) than you can shake a class-action lawsuit at. (yeah, so I ended a sentence with a preposition - whatev!)

*fade in. The scene is a California courtroom*
When last we saw super-villan Kimmer, *cue the scary music..bomp, ba, baaaaammmm* she was giving another deposition in court trying to make the judge believe the millions she scammed from desparate dieters at the Kimkins website doesn't exist and went *poof*. Now, poor little Heidi, as she sometimes calls herself, is just a waif, without enough cash to feed her starving foster children and put gas in her tank so that she can continue her volunteer work teaching Spanish and reading to the blind.

*FLASHBACK* Just weeks after internet chatter about Kimmer's fraud swells, a secret P.I. reveals super-villain Kimmer to be *gasp* not the 118 lbs. red-dress-wearing diet guru she claimed, but a 300+ lbs. bald woman whose in love with sugar cookies. Rumors swirl that she's also dating a pirate named Captain Morgan.

Throughout this drama there are other characters that are caught in Kimmer's web of diet scam lies. There's Kimmer's "Mini-me" Tippy Toes a.k.a. Jeannie Baitinger who did Kimmer's bidding for awhile. When Tippy could no longer cover for Kimmer, she was banished to forever live among other minor characters in Camp Carb-awry.

"As the Kimmer Turns" is also filled with heros and heroines. There are the good girls Christin and Deni, innocent diet ingenues who fell under the spell of the secretly evil Heidi. Who believed they were losing weight healthfully and helping others do the same. But, as with all evil super-villians, by the time the innocent diet ingenues realized Kimmer/Heidi had lied to them, it was almost too late. Heart problems, hair loss and damaged thyroids are part of Kimmer's curse, which Heidi gleefully bestows on most anyone who falls under her Kimkins Diet spell.

*FLASHBACK* As things are going well for Heidi/Kimmer as the self-appointed queen of Low-Carb Land, a dashing man rides into town on a white horse wearing a simple crown and declaring himself King of Low-Carb Land. King Jimmy, here to deliver a message of hope, along with a healthy scoop of narcissim, bestows his greatness to the peasant dieters of Low-Carb Land. But, tension arose. King Jimmy, assured of his rightful place as King, proclaimed queen Kimmer a fraud! *gasp* War descends on Low-Carb Land. But, instead of trying to dethrone the queen, King Jimmy merely decreed that queen Kimmer is not the queen after all. For, in the eyes of King Jimmy, there is only one ruler in Low-Carb Land. *flashback fades as Jimmy looks in the mirror and shouts "All hail King Jimmy. All hail King Jimmy. All hail.........*

And, lastly, there are many friends in Low-Carb Land. Friends who work tirelessly to end the reign of queen Kimmer/Heidi. To stop the diet fraud known as Kimkins. And to keep unsuspecting residents of Low-Carb Land from pledging their allegiance to queen Kimmer.

Stay tuned for more of "As the Kimmer Turns". At some point, queen Kimmer will fall, Kimkins will be banished forever, and the friends of Low-Carb Land can happily spread their message of weightloss by using healthy doses of good fat, protein, green vegetables and very, very few trips to the twin cities of Sugarland and Starchtown.


Kat said...

I think this is my current favorite soap oprah!! Great post!! Down with Kimmer!!

mariasol said...

Great post and a very good recap of the story. Can't wait for the next episode.

Mayberryfan said...

Thanks! Maybe the next episode will have a Hitchcockian theme and Kimmer will be pecked senseless by a bunch magic chickens. ;)

Yucky said...

::applause, applause!::

Mayberryfan said...

Thanks Yuck...High praise indeed!

OhYeahBabe said...

Great post!
My blog: Kimorexia